Thursday, June 16, 2011

Just Plain Single

I have moved from being “practically single” to just plain single. I am mostly fine with this since the in between stage proved to be confusing and riddled with uncertainty and anxiety. I took that giant leap by making the decision to move out and then actually moving out. Not to sound cliché but, it’s been totally liberating.

And honestly, I don’t find being a single mom that much different than being a non single mom. I am still in charge of every single aspect regarding Monster while his dad takes care of him one day per week allowing me to sleep past 6:45.

All that changed this week though. This week Monster is with his dad. For the whole week. Just in case you’re not following, I have relinquished custody of my precious child to a man I never fully trusted to take care of him even while I was in the shower. For a whole week.

I am trying to view this time as an opportunity to improve myself on a few levels. First, I need to appreciate that Monster’s dad is willing to spend this kind of time with his son. This is good for Monster even though it’s like torture for me.

Second, I need to get a freakin’ life, for reals! I seriously don’t do anything outside of work, baby raising and Facebook. This cannot be healthy.

Third, maybe loosening my grip on Monster will inspire his dad to step up. Maybe all he needs is the opportunity. This is probably just wishful thinking though. Ugh, I’m backtracking!

Must. Move. Forward.

Fourth, I have the time to nurture some of my relationships that too often get ignored completely.

Fifth, I have the brain capacity and energy to write. So, you’re welcome!

Who am I kidding? I just want my kid back! Who needs relationships, hobbies, and shared parental responsibilities? I want evening snuggles, goodnight kisses and the first hand knowledge that my son is A-OK. The brief phone calls from my ex with updates that are meant to ease my worries only exacerbate them. It’s equally painful to me for Monster not to be missing me as it is to hear him crying for me in the background.

I can say, though, that not having to watch Caillou has been pretty sweet and perhaps makes this all worth it.


  1. Good for you. I say recognizing the opportunity for self-improvement is half the battle. Maybe next time you can work on actually *seizing* said opportunity. :) Baby steps!

    But I totally understand. It's hard for me to leave Peanut all day with Husband, whom I *do* trust, at least where the important stuff is concerned. He might feed her a weird combination of foods, or decide a bath isn't really necessary after two hours of sweaty outdoor play ... but I know I'll come back to a happy, in-one-piece Peanut.

    And you're right, we do need to allow them to step up. It's hard to relinquish an ounce of control because, let's face it, we should probably be running the world.

    BTW, I haven't watched normal morning television in at least 8 months.

  2. All the single mamas, all the single mamas, all the single mamas, all the single mamas... now put your hands up!

    It was a giant leap, but I think you'll find out later that it was so totally worth it. You've now put your son in an environment that is positive, nurturing and fun. You're still adjusting, but you'll find that now that you're not spending so much of your time fighting or full of anxiety, you'll be able to have a life of hobbies, friends... and great TV.