Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Since becoming just plain single, I’ve been battling a new kind of loneliness. Maybe not exactly new since it’s reminiscent of the first few months I moved to Alabama with a traveling salesman and our Rottweiler puppy. So, basically with a Rottweiler puppy. It was long days of only minimal human contact. I found myself being very chatty with grocery clerks and telemarketers.
I still have all the friends I had pre-break up, it’s just that I never realized how little I actually hung out with them before. I’m an e-mail and text friend. I have several theories as to why I’m like this but that’s not really what this post is about.
This past week, my former neighbor invited Monster and I to go hang out at the pool where she is a member and then over to her house for dinner. I was so excited that I answered her (e-mail, of course) with multiple exclamation points.
The anticipation of this “date” got me through a dreadfully long Friday afternoon of work even though our plans weren’t until Sunday. It’s funny though, because I used to dread plans. For some reason, knowing I had an engagement coming up gave me anxiety. I have no theories as to why I was like that but I hated even scheduling a haircut.
That never happened in this case. Surprising, really, considering I had to pack three bags, stop at the ATM and drive 20 minutes up a winding road to even get to the pool. Plus I get nervous anytime I’m at a place where my son could drown. But my anticipation never wavered even though it never really got sunny or as warm as the Weather Channel predicted (jerks!).
And we had fun the entire time. Monster’s lips and fingertips turned blue because the water was so cold and he peed while we were snuggling on the bench trying our best to stay warm (swim diapers do not protect against pee, in case you didn’t know), yet none of that could spoil the fun we were having.
Monster fell asleep on the car ride to our friend’s house and stayed asleep as we laid him on a sleeping bag in the middle of a bedroom floor (God bless swimming!)
For the first time since having a baby, I was able to relax being somewhere other than my own house. That may have been the glass of wine (likely) or it may just be that I’m finally growing into motherhood.
Here is the sunflower at 7 days old. Not the best photo but it's taken on my phone, people, so give me a break!
It's amazing how much this flower changes on a day-to-day basis and I'm surprised at how much joy this brings me.
I planted cilantro at the same time as the sunflower and it just sprouted. It was like Christmas morning seeing that.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
One thing I did whilst my sweet Monster was away for that very looooong week was plant a sunflower. I also planted cilantro and some yellow bell peppers but for the sake of this post, we'll just focus on the sunflower.
I had a long list of things I wanted to accomplish and me, being deadline driven, did most of them on Sunday afternoon. But really, does it matter when it got done or that it got done at all? I vote the latter.
My point is that the sunflower has already sprouted.
See it? See how it's lifting its little green head out from the soil? Amazing! I was not expecting such quick results but I have to say, this is very satisfying indeed. I lift Monster up to look at it every day. He is not nearly as into it as I am but, whatevs, he's only 2.
So I will be posting pictures of the sunflower's growth often. Like, every day.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
I have moved from being “practically single” to just plain single. I am mostly fine with this since the in between stage proved to be confusing and riddled with uncertainty and anxiety. I took that giant leap by making the decision to move out and then actually moving out. Not to sound cliché but, it’s been totally liberating.
And honestly, I don’t find being a single mom that much different than being a non single mom. I am still in charge of every single aspect regarding Monster while his dad takes care of him one day per week allowing me to sleep past 6:45.
All that changed this week though. This week Monster is with his dad. For the whole week. Just in case you’re not following, I have relinquished custody of my precious child to a man I never fully trusted to take care of him even while I was in the shower. For a whole week.
I am trying to view this time as an opportunity to improve myself on a few levels. First, I need to appreciate that Monster’s dad is willing to spend this kind of time with his son. This is good for Monster even though it’s like torture for me.
Second, I need to get a freakin’ life, for reals! I seriously don’t do anything outside of work, baby raising and Facebook. This cannot be healthy.
Third, maybe loosening my grip on Monster will inspire his dad to step up. Maybe all he needs is the opportunity. This is probably just wishful thinking though. Ugh, I’m backtracking!
Must. Move. Forward.
Fourth, I have the time to nurture some of my relationships that too often get ignored completely.
Fifth, I have the brain capacity and energy to write. So, you’re welcome!
Who am I kidding? I just want my kid back! Who needs relationships, hobbies, and shared parental responsibilities? I want evening snuggles, goodnight kisses and the first hand knowledge that my son is A-OK. The brief phone calls from my ex with updates that are meant to ease my worries only exacerbate them. It’s equally painful to me for Monster not to be missing me as it is to hear him crying for me in the background.
I can say, though, that not having to watch Caillou has been pretty sweet and perhaps makes this all worth it.