It’s Working Mommy 101 and I’m Failing Y’all

I was never super fashion forward, even pre-Monster, but even on those Friday mornings following an extra long Thursday happy hour, I was more than presentable. I spent money on hair styles, highlights, and recently trendy clothing.

These days, though, I’m rolling into work like it’s the morning-after walk of shame. My hair a little flatter on the one side, clothes slightly disheveled and maybe not matching (or “going” or whatever Clinton and Stacy say). When did this happen? When did I cease to be cute? I’ll tell you when, the day my son was born.

I used to sleep until 7 on workdays and still have plenty of time to sip a cup of coffee, catch up on news and e-mails, take a long shower and painstakingly pick out an outfit. Now, even if Monster has me up at 4:30 (it happens way too often), I still find myself rushing to get a shower (if it happens at all – don’t judge me), packing a lunch, breakfasting Monster and getting him dressed and out the door. My kid always looks good, so doesn’t that give me points?

Take today for instance. Halfway through my workday, I checked my look in the mirror and realized that I have inadvertently accessorized with Monster snot. I don’t think this kind of thing shows up in my mirror at home. Surely if I knew it was there, I would change, right? Let’s proceed with that assumption. Even if my sweater was clean when I put it on, during the course of wrestling clothes on a 17-month-old, there’s bound to be some collateral damage especially in the colder months. Hence the Monster snot necklace.

As depressing as it is to admit, my clothes don’t fit like they used to but I’m operating on the premise that they do. My go-to black pants still make my butt look great but who can appreciate that when a clear line of spit up is so very visible on them? I wonder how many people notice that the sweater I’m wearing on Friday is the same sweater I wore on Monday, just a bit more wrinkly and with a different shirt on underneath it? What can I say? Laundry day is Sunday.

And my hair – where do I begin? I have special needs hair. When it’s good, it’s spectacular but when it’s not, well, it’s downright horrible. It changes throughout the day too making it especially pain in the ass. What looked somewhat presentable at 7:00 this morning has transformed into a bad case of bed head and no, my job does NOT involve a bed at all, thank you very much, although, now that I’m thinking about it, a bed at work would be awesome because I could take a nap, thusly having an excuse for bed head. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, my hair and how horrible it looks. And my little bottle of ‘fixer’ is at home on the bathroom sink and not in my purse where my hairdresser told me to keep it. So basically I’m outta luck here at the office.

And I can’t believe I’m actually saying this:  I miss my high heels! But I don’t wear them anymore because carrying a baby and walking in them requires way more coordination than I’ve been blessed with. So, flats it is. In summer, instead of my leather wedge sandals, I’m wearing my synthetic material ballerina flats.

My eyebrows are overgrown, my legs aren’t shaved, my nails are jagged and uneven, and I’m sporting chipped patches of nail polish on my toes.

Some women can do it. They have kids AND look great. I want to be one of them. It’s been so long since someone has told me that I look nice or that they like my outfit.

What kind of impression am I making here at work? It’s Working Mommy 101 to wash all the Big 3 (snot, puke, poop) off of yourself before leaving the house. Luckily people don’t get up from their desks to go talk to co-workers anymore. I’m still quite charming on e-mail.